I Love You, I Hate You
by imSiriuslyLupin4you
Summary: Sirius and Remus have a very unhealthy and abusive relationship. A multi-Chapter song fic of moments of their lives. Substance Abuse, as well as Domestic Violence. Post-Hogwarts. SB/RL. MPREG
1. Love the Way You Lie

_**(Personally, I effing love Abusive!Sirius, so this is a multi-chapter fic of songs that I feel would match Sirius' and Remus' not so healthy relationship. NOTHING IS MINE! The characters are J.K. Rowling's, and this first song belongs to Eminem, except when I change every 'she' to he' and 'her' to 'him'.**_

'_**M' for verbal, and physical abuse, homosexuality, cussing, and angst. ENJOY!)**_

_Songs _(Actually anything underlined is part of the song.)

**Flashbacks**

_Thoughts_

_**(Remus' POV)**_

I took the slap. It hurt, but he's done worse before. He's done so much worse…

Then the breath is knocked out of my stomach, and I found myself on the shiny tile floor. Looking up, I see him. I see his beautiful grey eyes narrowed, and darkened with disgust.

"You just gonna _sit there_, Remus? Aren't you gonna fight me like a real man? Or are you just gonna lie back and let me hit you like the filthy little Faggot you are?"

I wince. I hate him… I have to. I spit a mouthful of blood at Sirius. It hits his shin.

Anger flashes across his face. Fast and dangerous as lightning, Sirius yanks me up and slams my head against the bathroom mirror. I feel the glass break and a warm thick liquid trickles down my neck.

"And you call yourself a werewolf." Sirius hisses, and drops me to the floor. He stares at me for a few seconds and then leaves. Moments later I heard the crack of appaperation.

I let my head hit the floor and tried to convince myself that I hated him, but I couldn't seem to stop myself from loving Sirius Black.

_Just gonna stand there and watch me burn_

_That's all right because I like the way it hurts_

_Just gonna stand there and hear me cry_

_That's all right because I love the way you lie_

_I love the way you lie…_

_**(Sirius' POV)**_

James opens his front door. He doesn't look surprised to see me standing outside his door in the snow. He doesn't seem surprised to see my still clenched fists stained with my boyfriend's blood either.

"You hit Moony again, didn't you?" James asks. He doesn't have any emotion in his voice. I nod, and James sighs and steps aside so I can walk into his house.

The snow melts off my shoes, and I can feel James' warming charm on my clothes, but that's all.

_I can't tell you what it really is,_

_I can only tell you what it feels like_

_And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe_

_I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight_

_As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight_

_High off his love, drunk from my hate,_

_It's like I'm huffin' paint_

_And I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate_

I decide stay at James' house that night. I hear someone coming into the room. I turn around, and see Lily and her slightly swollen stomach standing at the foot of the stairs.

"Did you and Remus fight again?"

I nod and use my wand to unfold the living room couch into a bed. James hands me a small pile of pillows and blankets. "Do you want a pair of sweatpants to sleep in?"

"Yeah, thanks James."

James nods and walks past Lily and goes upstairs.

I sink down on my makeshift bed and lower my head into my hands. A soft warm hand gently touches my shoulder and the soft smell of lilacs envelopes me.

"He will still love you, you know. Remus, I mean."

_And right before I'm about to drown, _

_he resuscitates me, _

_he fuckin' hates me and I love it,_

I shake my head. "He shouldn't." My voice cracks, and hot tears burn my eyes.

"I know." Lily whispers. There is a long silence before Lily decides to speak again. "What happened this time?"

"He tried to leave me." I whisper. _Again._

_**Flashback**_

**Sirius was late coming home from work again, and Remus had, had enough. It was the fourth time this week that this had happened, and the arguments had just gotten worse each time. This time, when the muggle oven stated that Sirius would be, yet again, more then an hour late coming home from work, Remus went into their bedroom and started to pack some clothes into a small suitcase that Sirius had bought him that Christmas when they had gone to France to visit Remus' family.**

**Remus had, had enough. He had enough of the late hours, and the bad moods that came with them. He was getting out.**

**When Sirius had come home he was in a bad mood. The floo at the ministry was blocked due to security measures and the anti-** **appaperation wards had been activated, so Sirius had to take the Knight Bus home. Sirius hated the Knight Bus.**

**As soon as Sirius entered the small flat, he noticed the lack of a hot dinner waiting for him, and no devoted lover welcoming him home. It pissed him off.**

"**REMUS!"**

**Remus slunk into the kitchen, hiding the suitcase behind his back. "Yes, Siri?"**

"**Don't 'Yes Siri' me." Sirius snarled. "Where the hell is my dinner?"**

**Remus flushed. "I- I didn't make it yet."**

"**Why the fuck not?" Sirius slammed his hand down on the counter violently, and Remus flinched. "Do you **_**know**_** how fucking **_**hard **_**I work just to pay the rent? Do you- ****Wait, where you going****?" Sirius stops yelling at Remus long enough to finally notice the small bag half concealed behind his lover's back.**

**"I-****I'm leaving you****." Remus whispers, and starts to walk past Sirius.**

**"****No you're not****." Sirius grabs Remus' upper arm and throws him to the floor. "****Come **_**back**_**.**"

_We're runnin' right back, here we go again_

_It's so insane, cause when it's goin' good it's goin' great_

_I'm superman with the wind at his back, he's Lois Lane_

**As Remus hit the ground he remembered falling on this floor just this morning. But that time it wasn't because of Sirius' bad temper, it was because Remus couldn't stand letting Sirius going to work without them making love together one last time…**

_But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed I snap_

_Whose that dude?_

_I don't even know his name_

_I laid hands on him_

_I'll never stoop so low again_

_I guess I don't know my own strength_

**Remus cried out as the side of his face hit the corner of the wooden table. His cheek burns and Remus can just **_**feel**_** it swelling. The taste of blood fills his mouth, and he tries to numb out the pain as Sirius hits him again and again and again. He tried to think of a different kind of pain. The good burning kind he felt in his heart when Sirius came inside of him with love in his eyes.**

_Just gonna stand there and watch me burn_

_Well that's all right because I like the way it hurts_

_Just gonna stand there and hear me cry_

_Well that's all right because I love the way you lie_

_I love the way you lie_

_**End Flashback (Sirius' POV)**_

Lily listens to my story without saying anything. When I'm finished, she looks at me with pity in her eyes. "I think that you and Remus should go to a counselor."

"Oh?"

Lily nodded. "I know you love Remus, and I know he loves you…. But… this 'phase' in your relationship is really unhealthy."

_You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe_

_When you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em_

_Got that warm fuzzy feeling_

_Yeah them chills used to get em_

"I really _do_ love him, you know…" I whisper.

James comes back into the room with an old t-shirt and a ragged pair of sweatpants. He hands me the clothes. "I just flooed Moony."

I shrug and started to change. Lily didn't mind, and James has seen it all before.

_Now you're getting fuckin' sick of lookin' at em_

_You swore you'd never hit em, _

_never do nothin' to hurt em_

James nods. "Yeah. You hurt him really badly, this time."

"I know."

"He wont be there when you get back tomorrow."

I look up at James in surprise. "What?"

"He's leaving you for good this time…." James takes off his glasses, and cleans them, a nervous habit he picked up in school. "He asked me not to tell you, but you're my best mate."

I'm standing up before James even finishes speaking, and I appaperate right into my kitchen, right in front of Remus. He shrieks and whips out his wand. I disarm him and push him against the wall. This time he pushes back.

_Now you're in each other's face_

_spewin' venom in your words when you spit em_

_You push pull each other's hair_

_Scratch claw hit em throw em down pin em_

_So lost in the moments when you're in em_

_It's the rage that's the culprit, controls you both_

"I'm leaving you!" Remus screams. "I can't _take it_ anymore! I _can't take it_!" He stalks past me and walks out the door. I hear him walking down the stairs, and outside into the falling snow.

_So they say it's best to go your seperate ways_

_Guess that they don't know ya_

_Cause today that was yesterday_

_Yesterday is over, it's a different day_

_Sound like broken records playin' over_

_But you promised him next time you'll show restraint_

_You don't get another chance_

_Life is no Nintendo game, but you lied again_

_Now you get to watch him leave out the window_

_Guess that's why they call it window pain_

I watch Remus from the kitchen window. He's really leaving this time… This time he's not here to see me cry…

_**(Remus' POV)**_

How come it just gets harder to leave, every time I try? I feel tears cascade down my face and my heart break. Why did Sirius have to make it so hard to leave him? I risk a glance up and I see Sirius' face staring at me from the kitchen window. I whip my head around. I don't want him to see me cry…

_Just gonna stand there and watch me burn_

_Well that's all right because I like the way it hurts_

_Just gonna stand there and hear me cry_

_Well that's all right because I love the way you lie_

_I love the way you lie…_

I try to appaperate, before I remember that my wand is still in the flat. I start to turn around and see Sirius running towards me. He clears his throat.

"Y-you left your wand."

"I know. I was about to go get it."

"Where are you going?"

"I- I don't know… my parents house, maybe." I take my wand from Sirius' outstretched hand and pocket it. "Thank you." I turn to leave but then I feel Sirius' hands wrap around my waist. "Don't leave me Moony.Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean, and we fall back into the same patterns, same routine, but your temper's just as bad as mine is, you're the same as me When it comes to love you're just as blinded."

"Sirius, don't." I whisper. "It hurts too much. Just let me go." I tried to move away again, but was stopped.

"Baby please come back, it wasn't you, baby it was me, maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems. Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano… All I know is I love you too much to walk away. Come inside, pick up the bag off the sidewalk. Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk? Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball. Next time I'm pissed I'll aim my fist at the drywall."

"Next time, there won't be a next time." I whisper, but I allow Sirius to pick up my bag, and pull me back into the flat. He takes me as soon as he closes the door, right up against it.

_**(Sirius' POV)**_

As soon as the door closes, I throw the suitcase aside, and strip us both of our clothes. When I push inside him with no preparation at all, Remus sobs my name and clings to me as I make rough love to him against our front door.

I don't say his name, instead I whisper, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Like a mantra as I thrust into him again and again.

_I apologize even though I know its lies_

_I'm tired of the games I just want him back_

_I know I'm a liar if he ever tries to leave again_

_I'm a tie him to the bed and set this house on fire._

Remus comes with one stroke of my hand, and I continue to move inside of him. "Never leave me." I pant. "Promise me, Moony. Promise me you'll never try to leave me again."

"I promise." Remus gasps. "I love you."

With those three words I came, murmuring Remus' name against his lips.

_Just gonna stand there and watch me burn_

_Well that's all right because I like the way it hurts_

_Just gonna stand there and hear me cry_

_Well that's all right because I love the way you lie_

_I love the way you lie_

_**(WOOOO! First chapter is done! I would like 10 Reviews before I post the next chapter. Not all chapters will be this angsty. LATERS!**_


	2. Black Eyes Blue Tears

_**(I got tired of waiting for my ten reviews, so this is Chapter Two. Obviously. This chapter is WAAAAY less intense then the first one, Hopefully. If you like intense, then future chapters will definitely be… um intense. I think this chapter is pretty tame compared to the first one. ****From now on there will be hints of MPREG. If you do not like MPREG I'm sorry, but I'm not changing it.** This chapter is Remus' POV and the song belongs to Shania Twain.)_

_Black eyes, I don't need 'em_

_Blue tears, gimme freedom _

I winced as I dabbed antibiotic ointment on my black eye. It stung, and a few tears leaked from my eyes. Not because of the pain. I'm a werewolf, I can handle physical pain. It's the emotional pain that I can't handle…

I put down the ointment and stared at myself in the dirty mirror. I looked like I had just insulted a hippogriff. I'd rather insult a hippogriff then go back to Sirius. I may have loved him, but I had to get away from the abuse. Even if that meant taking my unborn child away from the father who never even knew it existed...

I walked out of the bathroom and sank down on the hotel bed. It was small and creaky. I suspected that there were bedbugs. I could hear a couple having noisy sex in the room next to mine. I didn't care though. Anything was better then going home.

_Positively never goin' back_

_I won't live where things are so out of whack_

_No more rollin' with the punches_

_No more usin' or abusin' _

I couldn't understand how much Sirius had changed. He used to be so kind… so loving… Now he would beat me for the smallest reason. If I didn't have dinner done in time… if I didn't wash his favorite shirt… if I talked back to him…

He used to be so gentle with me. Like if he was too rough I'd break. Now he wouldn't even prepare me… he wouldn't even wait to see if I was ready…

_I'd rather die standing_

_Than live on my knees_

_Begging please-no more _

I couldn't stand living with him. I had to leave, even when there was a baby on the way. I had promised that I'd never leave him… I had _lied_. I had lied so so much. But _never_ when I told him that I loved him. How could I lie about that?

_Black eyes-I don't need 'em_

_Blue tears-gimme freedom_

_Black eyes-all behind me_

_Blue tears'll never find me now _

Sleep wouldn't come. Every time I closed my eyes I would see Sirius' face. It kept changing. First it looked angry. Then it was sad. It was never happy. I was nearly overcome with guilt. I had broken my promise…

I stood up to leave the hotel. I had to go back… I had to go back to love… No. I left. I would not go back to Sirius and his abuse. I am stronger then that.

_Definitely found my self esteem_

_Finally-I'm forever free to dream_

_No more cryin' in the corner_

_No excuses-no more bruises _

I am a strong man. I will not let myself be pushed around and bullied _anymore_. I am Remus Lupin, werewolf. I loved Sirius. But _I would not be treated this way!_

_I'd rather die standing_

_Than live on my knees_

_Begging please-no more _

I would _leave _Britain. I would travel without Sirius to hurt me anymore. I would go somewhere he'd never think to look, and I'd never have to let him hit me again. I'd leave the only person I could ever love, and I'd take our baby with me.

_Black eyes-I don't need 'em_

_Blue tears-gimme freedom_

_Black eyes-all behind me_

_Blue tears'll never find me now _

I didn't _need_ Sirius to be happy. I had to keep telling myself this. I didn't need the abuse, and his beautiful grey eyes. I didn't need to hear him say he loved me when I woke up in the mornings. I didn't need him to help raise our child. I had to forget about him and live my life, no matter _how_ hard it would be without him. I was strong.

_I'd rather die standing_

_Than live on my knees, begging please... _

I would prove how strong I was. I would go back to Sirius and I would not let him hurt me anymore. And every time it got too hard, I would keep my promise and stay because I am strong, and strong people do not break their promises.

_Black eyes-I don't need 'em_

_Blue tears-gimme freedom_

_Black eyes-all behind me_

_Blue tears'll never find me now _

_**(Well, this turned out differently then I planned. …..So, this is the end of chapter two. Yaaaay….. It's short, I know. But I am the writer so I can make it as long as I want. So, can I have five more reviews before I post the next chapter? Oh, and if you know any good songs about abuse and the like, could you please send them to me or tell me the name? Thanks)**_


	3. Puke

**(Welcome to chapter three! Sorry it took so long! So this chapter is Sirius' POV. This song is 'Puke' by Eminem. Please Enjoy!**

**P.S I would like to take this moment to reply to **ann onoymus. **First, I'd like to say thanks. Secondly, I know that if Remus was TRULY strong, he'd leave, but I made him not strong on purpose. He's emotionally messed up. He **_**needs**_** Sirius. That is all.)**

I heaved and a disgusting splattering sound filled the small bathroom. Fucking Moony… why'd he have to leave me? Didn't he know I couldn't function without him? That bitch fucking did this on purpose. He's trying to get revenge on me for hitting him isn't he… fucking bitch.

_You don't know how sick you make me._

_You make me fuckin' sick to my stomach._

_Every time I think of you, I puke._

He musta _known_ that I'd try to drink away the memory of him. He's trying to fucking kill me by alcohol poisoning. Shit… I threw up again. Fucking missed the toilet. Lily bought us that rug. Fuck you Moony. You did this to me… you asshole.

_You must just not know._

_You may not think you do, but you do._

_Every time I think of you I puke._

I was gonna ask you to marry me, Moony. We could've been _married. _With kids, like you've always wanted. But you left me. That's fucking rich. _You_ left _me_. James always thought that I'd break your heart. Instead you broke mine. Fucking ironic, innit Moony? You broke my heart when I was supposed to break yours. Fucking ironic…

_I was gonna take the time to sit down and write you a little poem_

_But off of the dome would probably be a little more, more suitable for this type of song._

Fuck this. My fucking arm hurts… that's your fault too, Moony. I gotta another tattoo of you. Underneath the one with the full moon with the howling wolf in the center. Your names there now too. It's underneath the wolf and the moon. Underneath you. I got it as soon as you left me. Like it would bring you back or something. You're name on my skin… It was stupid. You make me stupid.

_I got a million reasons off the top of my head that I could think of,_

_Sixteen bars, this ain't enough to put some ink ta._

_So fuck it, I'm a start right here by just be brief-a_

_Bout to rattle off some other reasons._

_I knew I shouldn't go and get another tattoo of you_

_On my arm, but what do I go and do?_

_I go and get another one, now I got two._

_I'm sittin' here with your name on my skin._

_I can't believe I went and did this stupid shit again._

_My next boyfriend… now his names gotta be Rem._

It was a mistake. I was fucking drunk outta my mind when I got it anyways. I wasn't thinking. The firewhiskey made me do it. I can't not be drunk when you're gone. It numbs me. Now I'm fucking sober again. And I'm crying for you. Shit! I'm fucking _crying_ for you Moony! I haven't cried since my Uncle Alphard's funeral. Look at what you did to me! I HATE you Moony! I fucking HATE you!

_Shit!_

_If you only knew how much I hated you,_

_For every mother fuckin' thing you ever put us through…_

_Then I wouldn't be standing here crying over you._

_Boo-hoo._

It hurts. Every time I fucking think of you I cry and I get these pains in my chest, and it's all your fault. You bitch, I fucking hate you. Now I'm sobbing like a baby. Remember when we babysat Andy's daughter, Nyphadora, and you accidentally stepped on her finger, and you thought you broke it? I'm crying like she was. Like her arm was fucking ripped outta its socket. I'm crying so hard that I'm gagging on my own tears and heaving again.

_You don't know how sick you make me._

_You make me fuckin' sick to my stomach._

_Every time I think of you, I puke_

_You must just not know,_

_You may not think you do, but you do._

_Every time I think of you I puke._

Would you come back if I owled you? If I sent you a letter telling you that I still loved you? Would you come back to me?

_I was gonna take the time to sit down and write you a little letter_

_But I thought a song would probably be a little better_

_Instead of a letter_

_That you'd probably just shred up—yeah_

I found our old photo album yesterday. We looked so happy… we're not happy any more, are we? I wanna be happy again. God. Why are you the only one that makes me happy? I hate you. You're not supposed to make me happy. I'm not supposed to love a fucking drug addict. Yeah, Remus. I found the dried gillyweed and the powdered unicorn horn. I found the muggle pills too. I saw all of it. Fuck. Why didn't you tell me you were that unhappy? I would have tried harder. I swear… I would've tried harder.

_I stumbled on your picture yesterday and it made me stop and think of_

_How much of a waste it'd be for me to put some ink ta, a stupid piece a_

_Paper, I'd rather let you see how_

_Much I fuckin' hate you in a freestyle_

_You're a fuckin' coke-head slut, I hope you fuckin' die_

_I hope you get to hell and Satan sticks a needle in your eye_

_I hate your fuckin' guts, you fuckin' slut, I hope you die_

_Die_

I fucking hate you Rem… you left me to die of alcohol poisoning. Why? Is it because I didn't treat you right? Well it's your own fucking fault I didn't treat you right. _You're_ fault. Not mine. You had to make me angry. You didn't like me when I was angry. You started fucking ignoring me. I hate being ignored. They didn't ignore me at the pubs. I was never alone there.

_But please don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter or mad._

_It's not that I still love you, it's not 'cause I want you back,_

_It's just that when I think of you, it makes me wanna gag._

Why can't I forget you? Why wont this fucking firewhiskey let me forget you…

_What else can I do, I haven't got a clue_

_Now I guess I'll just move on, I have no choice but to_

_But every time I think of you now, I'll I wanna do_

_Is puke_

Why can't I stop crying over you? FUCK YOU REMUS! Look at what you did to me! You made me love you and now you left me! I hate you. I HATE YOU. FUCK YOU! You make me crazy. I'm screaming at the fucking bathroom wall. God. I'm fucking throwing up again. You used to hold my hair out of my face whenever I threw up. Now there's vomit in it. God I hate you Moony! I HATE you! I hate you I hate you …

_You don't know how sick you make me_

_You make me fuckin' sick to my stomach_

_Every time I think of you, I puke_

_You must just not know_

_You may not think you do, but you do_

_Every time I think of you, I puke_

Fuckin' bitch


	4. Sex and Violence

**So… this is chapter four… I think. Sorry for the wait and thank you to everyone who reviewed! It means a lot. So, this chapter is Remus' POV and the song is **'Sex and Violence**' by the **Scissor Sisters'**. PLEASE ENJOY!**

_Oh, I need a witness to see the mess I've made _

_There's a broken lampshade, ashtrays, burnt floors, beds unmade _

I looked around the motel room. Everything that I had brought with me was packed up and waiting by the door. I looked around the room. It was empty except for the furniture and the cigarette butts that littered the floor. I closed my eyes and touched my belly. Why was I smoking when I had a life growing inside of me? I had given up all of the… other stuff when I had found out that I was carrying Sirius' child, so why couldn't I give up smoking? It was less addictive than the 'other stuff'. Was it because Sirius smoked too, and I still felt the urge to taste him inside of my mouth?

_Eyes sleeping if you are dream, dream of what I'm doing _

_To you, undo you, I'm through with you until I need a round of, _

_Every time I spend myself it never runs too low, _

_I can't escape my need for _

_Sex and violence _

I didn't understand why I was going back to him. All he did was hurt me. But I loved him. I loved him so much that it hurt, even when he hurt me. Love was a strange thing… even when it was almost to painful to bear, you still _begged_ for more. It was wrong and sick what we did together… Sex and Violence were never meant to be mixed, just as fire was never meant to go near gasoline, but we brought them together anyway, too addicted to the adrenaline to care about the danger.

_Never meant you see them hand in hand _

_One is just the other _

_The softest touches, deeper than the ocean _

_Give it to me faster, feel it, feel it _

Why did I still _long_ for his rough passion? It wasn't as if I _enjoyed _the pain… it killed me softly every time Sirius looked down at me with cruel alcohol dulled eyes. But… somehow I hoped that one day his grey eyes would clear…

_Sex and violence _

_Who is gonna make you cry? _

_(Sex and violence) _

Going back was a horrible idea… I knew that as soon as soon as I stepped through the door Sirius would punish me for leaving, using my body as a thing. I could only hope that he stopped his advances for the baby. He just _had_ to stop for the baby. He wouldn't hurt me while he knew that I was carrying his child… would he?

_Sex and violence _

_Who is gonna make you cry? _

_(Sex and violence) _

We used to be so _different_ with each other. I knew that. I just wish that I could remember it instead of looking at old pictures and wondering what being that happy felt like.

_Oh, I was a real man stealing all the trade _

_I was strong and self-made, well paid, so groomed, persuasive._

I remember the first time that he hit me though… we were at some bar and a stranger was flirting with me. And I flirted back because Sirius had embarrassed me in front of Lily and James. He was so scary… he started to scream at the Stranger, and I told him that he was drunk and to stop being so ridiculous just because the other guy made more money. Yes, it was childish and he got aggressive, and I must admit that I was a bit scared, but it used to give me such _thrills_ to wind him up. I regret it now though. Sirius had grabbed my arm and apperated us right into our flat and we had started to fight.

_You were walking home that night, too kind to be illusive _

_Where you live? What you give? Who you with? _

_And how you getting home? _

_Does everybody know right now exactly where you are? _

_Step inside's a step too far but _

We started screaming at each other as soon as we appeared in our flat. He called me promiscuous… slutty… a _whore._ And then I told him that he was cruel and cold and sadistic… just like his Father. The next moment my cheek was numb and Sirius was staring at me with a horrified look in his eyes.

_Sex and violence _

_Hit me with a lover, burns so bright _

_And one is just the other _

_Sweetest tastes, never gonna leave you _

_Even when it hurts you, breathe it, breathe it _

He had apologized and wrapped me in a rib-cracking embrace, hugging me close… kissing me… telling me that he'd never _ever_ hurt me again. I believed him. I partly blamed it on the alcohol and partly on myself. I knew that it wasn't _really_ Sirius fault. It _couldn't_ be… he loved me.

_Sex and violence _

_Who is gonna make you cry? _

_(Sex and violence) _

It started happening again and again. Sirius would become angry and would hit me. It was never a big hit… only a stinging slap. Then the sexual abuse started. He would be much too rough when he took me and I would always bleed. I ignored it though. I told myself that it was the alcohol. And then he started to hurt me while he was sober.

_Sex and violence _

_Who is gonna make you cry? _

_(Sex and violence) _

_Violence, violence _

_Violence, violence _

_Violence, violence _

_Violence, violence _

I began to dread seeing Sirius… but sometimes he would act just like he used to… surprising me with flowers or chocolates and I couldn't bring myself to be angry or hate him when he would make soft love to me in the early hours of the morning. And then I would forgive him for all that he'd done.

_Sex and violence _

_Never meant you see them hand in hand _

_One is just the other _

_The softest touches, deeper than the ocean _

_Give it to me faster, feel it, feel it _

When he hurt me though… it hurt so much. Not only my body but my soul and heart and sanity. I began to take things. Muggle pills as well as gillyweed at the beginning. And then I needed- no _wanted_ something stronger. Powdered Unicorn Horn… the silver powder numbed me. Made me feel nothing. I could take Sirius and his abuse.

But I stopped. I stopped as soon as I found out about the life growing inside of me. I knew that my child might be born into a broken family… but I would not let it be broken in the womb.

_Sex and violence _

_Hit me with a lover, burns so bright _

_And one is just the other _

_Sweetest tastes, never gonna leave you _

_Even when it hurts you, breathe it, breathe it _

And now I was going back… my baby needed his father… I needed him too. I had no idea how I thought that I could survive without him… I was going back. I was going back to my Sirius.

_Violence, violence _

_Violence, violence _

_Violence, violence _

_Violence, violence _


	5. Glory

**Hello! Welcome to chapter five! In the last Sirius' POV, Sirius was being all drunk and sickly and gross and slightly pathetic. I got a flame that said 'Jesus, this is terrible' I know that it obviously meant the fic, but I'm pretending that they just meant the situation. :) **

**Someone, I forget who, said that Lily and James should be more involved… so Lily is in this one.**

**The song is 'Glory' from the musical Rent. People who gave suggestions, THANK YOU! But for this chapter I needed a song that would tie in with Sirius seeing a physiologist and I love this song. Its not really '**_**abusive'**_** but I think it fits reasonably well.**

_One song_

_Glory_

"I've never been in control of my life…" I mumbled. "So… I tried to control Moony." I start to cry. "I tried to control Moony, and now he's gone! I had one chance… and… and…" I sobbed, and dropped my head into my hands. The physiologist nodded and tapped her notebook with her wand. I felt Lily rub my arm. I was glad that she was here with me. I hated this place.

_One song before I go_

_Glory _

"What about your… _partner_?" The physiologist gave me a calculating look. "Did his Lycanthropy have anything to do with it?"

Lily's hand stiffened on my arm. "And, what do you mean by that?" I could hear the cold anger in her voice.

The physiologist raised an eyebrow slightly. "I'm just wondering if Mr. Remus Lupin's lycanthropy is triggering Mr. Black's abusive qualities. After all, people often beat animals to dehumanize them. Perhaps Mr. Black's subconscious was telling him to do the same."

_One song to leave behind_

_Find one song_

"REMUS IS NOT AN ANIMAL!" I suddenly found myself looming over the physiologist and clenching my fists. "YOU DON'T KNOW _ANYTHING_ ABOUT HIM!"

_One last refrain_

_Glory_

The physiologist didn't move. She just wiped some spittle from her glasses, and wrote something in her notebook. "Sirius, sit down." Lily whispered. Breathing heavily I lowered myself back into the chair. The physiologist stared coldly at me.

"Now, Mr. Black. Where do yo-"

"I don't want to talk to you anymore." I interrupted, not caring that I sounded childish.

Lily glared at me, before turning back to the physiologist. "I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

The physiologist sighed as if she had something better she would rather be doing. "I was just inquiring whether Mr. Black had an idea where his… _partner_ would have gone."

"_Obviously_ not!" I snarled, still fuming about her earlier comment about Remus' humanity. "If I _knew_ I wouldn't _be_ here right now!"

_From the pretty boy front Man_

_Who wasted opportunity_

I wish I _did_ know though… I knew that it was my own fault that Remus had left me… my fault… all my fault

_One song_

_He had the world at his feet_

I wish that it was the was the way it was before we- before _I_ messed everything up. I wish that I had more control over myself… over Remus…

_Glory_

_In the eyes of a young boy_

_A young boy_

Remus… he was everything that I had wished for when I was younger. He was someone who would love me, take care of me, be my friend… he was my everything.

_Find glory_

_Beyond the cheap colored lights_

I wish that I could be angry with him for leaving… for going away and leaving me to wallow in alcohol and guilt. But I couldn't. if he were treating me the way that I had treated him, I would have left too… I wouldn't have even waited this long… and the fact that Lily and James were still my friends… that they still _cared_ about me… that broke my heart…

_One song_

_Before the sun sets_

_Glory _

The physiologist was saying something, and Lily was holding my hand. It was softer than Remus' and smaller… but if I closed my eyes and ignored her long nails, I could almost imagine that Remus was the one grasping my hand and stroking my thumb with his own.

_on another empty life_

_Time flies _

_time dies_

"Well, that will be all, Mr. Black." The physiologist gave me a look that reminded me of my grandmother when I spoke out of turn. I hated my grandmother. "I

"Lets go back to your flat, Sirius." Lily said softly. "Are you alright to apparate, or would you rather Floo?"

"Floo."

Lily lead me over to the fireplace, and the next thing I knew, Lily was pressed close to my front as she shouted my address and then we were spinning out of control.

_Glory _

_One blaze of glory_

_One blaze of glory _

We lurched out of the fireplace and I found myself on the hard wooden floor of my living room. I closed my eyes and ignored Lily's nudges. I only moved when I heard a familiar voice.

"Padfoot?"

_Glory_

_Find Glory_

_In a song that rings true_

That voice… it couldn't be… could it? I opened my eyes and struggled to my feet, holding my arms out, waiting for that beautiful warm body to press against mine in an innocent hug

_Truth like a blazing fire_

_An eternal flame_

"Moony…" I whispered, too afraid to speak any louder just incase Remus was nothing more than a hallucination.

_Find_

_One song_

_A song about love_

"Padfoot…" Remus breathed, gently tracing the side of my face with fingertips that were so much warmer and rougher then Lily's. "Padfoot, I came back."

"You did… you really did." I drew Remus into a deep kiss, ignoring the roar of the fire, signifying Lily's departure.

_Glory_

_From the soul of a young man_

_A young man_

I buried my hands in the soft hair that I had missed so much, and tasted the mouth that I had craved for what had seemed like forever.

_Find the one song_

_Before the virus takes hold_

_Glory_

We continued to kiss heavily as we moved as one towards the couch. Lowering Remus down onto the cushions, I covered his body with my own, reaching under his shirt to stroke his wonderful skin.

_Like a sunset_

_One song_

_To redeem this empty life_

"Padfoot stop. We can't take this any further."

I looked down at Remus, still breathing heavily. "Why not? I missed you Moony. I missed this _so much_." I went to kiss Remus again, but my mouth was blocked by Remus cheek. "Remus, _why_?"

Remus suddenly looked very scared. "I… I don't want to hurt the baby… I'm pregnant... we're going to be parents, Padfoot."

_Time flies _

_And then - no need to endure anymore_

_Time dies_

**NO, it's not over! There's still DRAAAMAAAA And Mpreg, and Domestic Abuse. Yippee…**


	6. Fallin'

**HEY PEEPS! It's chapter six! Remus is back, Sirius is sober (or is he…. ) and there is a baby on the way! Shall I make it all happy-dappy rainbows and fudge for the Puppies? Or shall Sirius fall off the wagon? (again) YOU DECIDE! And let me know… KIDDING! I've already decided. *****evil laugh***

**SONG: Fallin' by Alicia Keys**

**Remus' POV**

**SIX MONTHS AFTER THE LAST CHAPTER**

Sirius was late… _again_. Seven months pregnant with his child and he couldn't even have the decency to be home on time. He could have at least _owled_ me. Instead of leaving me to worry with a bloody war going on outside our window.

I heard the fireplace roar, and I couldn't help but feel a wave of relief wash over me. Sirius may have been over an hour late, but at least he was safe and sound.

_I keep on fallin',_

_in and out of love with you_

_Sometimes I love ya _

"Moony!" I froze on my way to the living room to greet him. I recognized that tone of voice. Sirius was drunk…

_sometimes you make me blue_

"H-hey, Padfoot." I slowly edged into the living room to find Sirius struggling with his jacket. I sighed. He may have been drunk but at least he wasn't angry. That was enough to be thankful for. I never ever wanted to relive the days when Sirius was full of anger… never…

_Sometimes I feel good, _

_At times I feel used_

_Lovin' you darlin' _

_makes me so confused_

"How was work?"

"Bloody awful." Sirius laughed. "Bloody Arthur Weasley wants me to do a report of the Misuse Of Magic Carpets in Saudi Arabia with an interview. Do you know how much bloody _time_ that will take?"

"I'm sorry."

That was the safest answer… the best thing for me to say to keep Sirius calm… we haven had an incedent in over three months, but Sirius was like the fireworks that he and Peter had made in fourth year... The slightest spark could cause an explosion.

_I keep on fallin', _

_in and out of love with you _

_I never loved someone _

_the way that I'm lovin' you_

Grabbing me roughly, Sirius pulled me into a deep kiss. I barely had time to say 'Watch the Baby', before Sirius tongue was nearly choking me and his hard fingers were painfully squeezing my arse through the fabric of my pants.

"Wanna fuck you so good…" Sirius mumbled into my mouth. "Wanna take you right here…"

"Sirius no-" I managed to say before my pants were yanked down and a long cold finger prodded at my hole. "Padfoot the Baby!"

_Oh, I never felt this way _

_How do you give me so much pleasure?_

Thankfully, Sirius paused and studied me, pulling away and staring into my eyes. "I'm sorry… I forgot that sex could hurt the baby."

"It's fine." My voice was shaky and I moved to pull my pants back up. Sirius stopped me. "Sirius… could you let go of me please?"

"Suck me off instead."

"Sirius, I'm not kidding. Let me- what?"

Sirius sighed. "Moons, I've had a hard day at work, and I need to get rid of some of this stress. Either let me _fuck_ your _mouth_ or your _arse_ but either way I'm going to fuck some part of you, damn it."

I felt my bottom lip tremble slightly, as I nodded slightly. "My mouth then." I walked over to the couch and sat down, choosing this position rather then kneeling on the hard cold wooden floor.

_And cause me so much pain,_

I watched at Sirius nearly ripped his pants and boxers off, kicking them to the side of the room. He made his way towards me his limp member twitching slightly as he ran his hands through my hair. I opened my mouth and Sirius placed his quickly hardening cock on my tongue. The weight of it made me shudder. Soon, Sirius pushed in until he hit the back of my throat and my nose was filled with his thick curly pubic hairs.

_'Cause when I think _

_I'm taking more than would a fool _

I tried to keep my mouth wide and my throat open and let Sirius do with me as he wanted. I forced down my gag reflex and took Sirius as he gently fucked my mouth. If I did that then it would all be over soon and I could go read a book or Floo over to Lily's.

"Look at me." Sirius grunted from somewhere above me. I did and I felt his cock twitch almost violently in my mouth and a squirt of pre-come ran down my throat. "God, you're so fucking gorgeous Moony… so fucking _gorgeous_."

_I start fallin' _

_Back in love with you. _

Gorgeous… it had been so long since Sirius had called me that… the two-syllable word filled me with a warm joy. Sirius still thought that I was gorgeous. Even with my giant belly he thought that I was _gorgeous_. I suddenly comprehended that the large hard member in my mouth was because of _me_. _I_ caused this erection.

I started to bob my head, trying to give Sirius as much pleasure as that one little word gave to me.

_I keep on fallin', in and out of love with you _

_I never loved someone the way that I'm lovin' you_

Soon, I felt Sirius tense up and shudder as he came into my mouth, coating it with his thick salty liqued. _I_ did that.

_Oh baby_

_I'm Fallin'_

_I'm Fallin'_

_Fall, fall, fallin'_

Wiping my mouth on the sleeve of my shirt, I watched as Sirius pulled his pants up. "That was great, Moons. Thanks."

"You don't need to thank me. I was happy to do it."

"Bullshit. You hate blowing me if we don't have sex right after. I know you… but you did it anyway. So thank you."

_I keep on fallin', in and out of love with you _

_I never loved someone the way that I'm lovin' you_

I stared up at Sirius who was still standing above me. "Your welcome." I stood up slowly, and started making my way to the kitchen. "Are you hungry? I made roast chicken… you're favorite."

"Sorry, Moons." I turned around to see Sirius shrugging his jacket back on. "I'm going out to the Pubs with some people from work. I just came home to… you know."

"O-oh…" They happiness that I had felt vanished and I felt sharp stinging tears in my eyes.

_I'm fallin', in and out of love with you _

_I never loved someone the way that I'm lovin' you_

"What time will you be home?" I heard myself whisper.

"Very late." Sirius kissed my cheek softly. "Don't wait up."

_I'm fallin', in and out of love with you _

_I never loved someone the way that I'm lovin' you_

"I won't."

**WOW! What a speedy update! Don't get used to it.**

**NEXT CHAPTER: How will Sirius act after a night of drinking at the Pubs?**

**DUNH DUNH DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH**


	7. Scream, Scream, Scream

**This****Song****is**** '**Scream, Scream, Scream' **by****Ludo.****I****'****ll****probably****have****more****of****them****in****this****fic****…**

I know that I promised Remus that I wouldn't drink anymore... but life tends to throw things at you, exposing your weaknesses. I know that I should stay strong for the Baby... that I should try to be a good father and husband. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't look Remus in the eye without feeling guilt at the shadowed fear in his eyes. He shouldn't have to fear me... I hated leaving with the knowledge that behind the Love in Remus eyes there was a current of fear. The same fear that he felt towards Fenir Greyback and Lord Voldemort and my Family... he was just as afraid of _me_ as he was my _family_... and that's what killed me.

_A man is many things. Let's count them all tonight_

_You're letting go of strings, replacing them with light._

The alcohol let me forget that for a few hours. I could forget the terrified look on his face that he would get when I mentioned getting a drink after work. I could forget the way that he froze when he smelled the stale alcohol on my clothes. I could forget the pain in his voice when I didn't come home on time.

_But they want the hit about the teenage take on pain_

_There's nothing catchy 'bout the life of a saint_

But I was late because I didn't want to hurt him. Him or the Baby... I was trying to protect him. What if I got too angry, and did something to harm them? I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

_but I've got this song in my head_

_'cause it's breaking me down to tears..._

This fear stayed with me wherever I went. I would stay at work later and later to save them from myself. I brought my own flask of whisky to help pass the long hours where I was just sitting in my dark office. It helped me to numb away the pain that I knew that I was causing Remus by not being home.

_If I scream, scream, scream_

_about a good man's life_

I swear that I really tried. I swear on my unborn child's life that I never meant to start drinking again. I swear on their life that I never expected myself to end up in this classless Pub again, with whores in clownish makeup pressing against my sides and drunken lonely old men buying me drinks just so that I would stay and listen to their woes. I swear that I never wanted to end up back here.

_would you ever stop and listen?_

_Would you open up your eyes?_

_Would you scream with me?_

What would Remus think if he saw me like this? I know that he would say nothing. What would he think if he knew that I had lied to him? That I wasn't actually with anyone from work. That I was just by myself, trying to wash away the knowledge of Remus' fear.

_Sing it sad and sweet_

_Say goodnight, goodbye, love_

_In the morning, you will see..._

I remember that time when Remus wasn't afraid and I was a good Husband. It was so simple and lovely and sweet. We were both so pure and innocent. Freshly in Love. The love was still there… but now it was tainted with distrust and regret.

_Photos keep you close with increments of light._

_The quiet wooden posts, the county's cold tonight._

_But they want the hit about the teenage take on pain_

_There's nothing catchy 'bout the life of a saint_

_but I've got this song in my head_

_'cause it's breaking me down to tears..._

I felt sorrow cloud my mind as I thought of 'the Good Old Days'. When it was just me and him and sometimes even Lily and James. I took a long burning gulp of my drink and wished that I could go back to that time.

_If I scream, scream, scream_

_about a good man's life_

_would you ever stop and listen?_

_Would you open up your eyes?_

_Would you scream with me?_

_Sing it sad and sweet_

_Say goodnight, goodbye, love_

_In the morning, you will see..._

Throwing some Galleons on the bar I stood up and stumbled over to the Fireplace to Floo home. Lurching out of the fireplace I nearly crashed into Remus' pregnant stomach. "M-Moons-"

"You're drunk."

I tried to focus on Remus, but his face blurred in my eyes. "Moony…"

"Why?" there was the sound of tears in his voice. "You _promised_! Why, Sirius? _WHY?_"

_I'd rip my eyes out for you._

_You're screaming at the cold._

I wrapped my arms around him. I would never let go.

"Why? Why? Why? Why?" Remus' sobs hurt my ears, and made my head ache even more, but I refused to let go, even when I could feel our baby kicking… I would never let go.

"Why, Sirius? Why? Why? Whywhywhywhywhy….?"

_I pull you close - you're asking why_

_it's so cold tonight. I don't know why..._

"Remus please…" I whispered. "I'm so sorry… so, so sorry…

_If I scream, scream, scream_

_about a good man's life_

_would you ever stop and listen?_

"You're not!

"I am-"

Remus stared up at me with wet angry eyes. "You're not."

_Would you open up your eyes?_

_Would you scream with me?_

_Sing it sad and sweet_

Remus ripped himself from my arms and nearly flung himself into the bedroom. I stood motionless as I heard the door close and lock.

_Say goodnight, goodbye, love_

_In the morning, you will see..._

_Would it make you cry?_

_Would you finally see that_

_all your lives are moments?_

I sat on the couch and waited for sleep to find me and ended up watching the clock above the fire place ticking away, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second….

_All your words and closeness_

_keep you here and human_

_whispering tonight..._

I couldn't sleep… I longed for the closeness of Remus against my skin and the way that he whispered sweet somethings into the crook of my neck as we drifted off to sleep.

_And so we scream (all your lives are moments)_

_the sadness sweetly for him (all your words and closeness)_

_while the stand and stare (keep you here and human)_

_Do you think they'll ever care?_

_I don't care. I don't care. _

**Sooo… anything you want to see in the next chapter? :)**


	8. Call Me When You're Sober

**I'm late? Really? Well, no shiznit. I'm a very busy lady. :( Please don't complain on how late I am. I'm very VERY sorry about my tardiness and there's no need to remind me. (I'm in a bad mood, if you couldn't already tell…)**

**Anyway, welcome. This song is 'Call Me When You're Sober' by Evanescence. Please enjoy despite my slightly rude AN…. **

I let the bedroom door slam shut behind me. I didn't want to see Sirius' sleeping figure on the couch, or I might just forgive him for earlier that day. Goodness knows that couldn't happen. If I forgave him now, then it would just happen again. No matter how much Sirius begged or cried, he would not be forgiven this time.

_Don't cry to me._

_If you loved me,_

Sirius knew how much he was hurting me… he just knew. He had to… he couldn't have ignored all those tears, all those nights when I just had to leave the room to get away from him. If Sirius had any love for me, any at all, then he'd be there… in bed with me. Not stinking of cheap beer and smelly cologne, but smelling like the fragrance of wet dog, leather, and mint chewing gum.

_You would be here with me._

_You want me_,

Sirius had lied. He had told me that he was never ever going to drink again. He had told me that those days were over and that he was a changed man. Sirius had to choose. Me… or the booze.

_Come find me._

_Make up your mind._

I had considered seeking professional help for Sirius, but I knew him, and I knew that he wouldn't go. So I tried to help him myself. I laid down on the bed that we shared, facing away from Sirius' side.

_Should I let you fall?_

_Lose it all?_

I'd been hoping that the knowledge of what Sirius was doing to his family would sober him up. Make him realize that we loved him, and that there was no reason for the numbness of intoxication.

_So maybe you can remember yourself._

_Can't keep believing,_

_We're only deceiving ourselves_.

But it was too late now. Much too late. I didn't think that I could forgive him this time. I was tired of the late nights and the mechanical love making that left me hard and unsatisfied.

_And I'm sick of the lie,_

_And you're too late._

"Moony?" I heard the door open and soft feet padding across the hardwood floor. I'm so sorry…"

I shifted the covers so that they were covering my head.

"Remus… Moony, please don't ignore me…" Sirius' voice cracked. "I love you… I didn't mean to get drunk tonight. I swear…"

'_You never mean it…'_

_Don't cry to me._

_If you loved me,_

_You would be here with me._

_You want me,_

_Come find me._

_Make up your mind._

"Can you please leave?" I whispered from underneath the sheets.

"But I'm sorry!"

Suddenly furious, I threw the covers off and sat up.

_Couldn't take the blame._

_Sick with shame._

_Must be exhausting to lose your own game._

"One thing that I don't need is apologies! I've got apologies greeting me at my front door, so you can just keep yours, 'cause I don't know what to do with them!" I got out of the bed and walked toward Sirius. "They don't open doors for me, or bring the sun back at night… " I jabbed him in the chest with every word. "They don't make me happy or get me the morning paper… I'm just sick and tired of apologies!" I screamed, throwing my hands up. "I'm going to have to throw some away because I can't get to the clothes in our damn closet for all of the apologies! I'm going to have to stick a sign to the front door that says 'No apologies allowed!' I'M NOT EVEN SORRY ABOUT YOU BEING SORRY!"

Sirius winced, and I thought that he was pathetic.

_Selfishly hated,_

_No wonder you're jaded._

_You can't play the victim this time,_

_And you're too late._

"Moony…" He croaked. "I know that you're angry with me… you have every right to be… but I'm going to change. I swear I'll change…"

"You said that last time." I spat.

"I swear to God, I'll change!"

_Don't cry to me._

_If you loved me,_

_You would be here with me._

_You want me,_

_Come find me._

_Make up your mind._

"Just… just go away, Sirius."

"Moon-"

"GO AWAY! I don't even want to fucking look at you anymore. You're always drunk and smelly and you disgust me. So just go to James', because I don't want to have to deal with you anymore."

_You never call me when you're sober._

_You only want it cause it's over,_

_It's over._

"Give me another chance!" Sirius begged. "Please just one more-"

"Please, Padfoot… just leave."

Sirius gave me a broken look. "If that's what you really want…"

"It is."

Sirius hesitated for the slightest of seconds, before walking past me over to the closet and pulling out a few pairs of pants and shirts. I watched as he then summoned my little red suitcase and started to pack. When he was finished, Sirius turned to me. "Just one more chance?"

"No."

Sirius left the room, and seconds later I heard the Floo flare up in the living room.

_How could I have burned paradise?_

_How could I - you were never mine._

I instantly regretted it. I longed to follow Sirius, and beg him to forgive me. But then I remembered all that he had done to me.

_So don't cry to me._

_If you loved me,_

_You would be here with me._

_Don't lie to me,_

_Just get your things._

_I've made up your mind…_

**Remus' monologue thingy is from the movie "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Was Enough". Which, by the way was the most depressing movie EVER in the history of depressing movies. It was just DRAMATIC and DEPRESSING and I don't want to talk about it anymore… I just put that part it because it seemed alright in the moment… (And the lady is talking to her gay hubby so… yeah)**

**Oh, and it's NOT OVER YEEET! :) There is still more angst to come! :D**

**THANK YOU FOR READING ! ! ! !**


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